The Dream We All Dream Of….Not

So yes, hello! Welcome to 2021! Where nothing has changed and if it seemed 2020 was impossible to beat on the negativity scale, well guess what folks? We were way wrong!

I didn’t post a single thing in 2020, I’ve quit Facebook, well all social media for that matter with the exception of that is what I do for a living so I have a “fake it until you make it” persona I have to keep on for that but if it wasn’t for work I would be 100% completely social media free.

I tried, I really really did! I tried so hard to spread kindness, light, positivity and education and all it got me was more grief. No one I was trying to convince that supporting a racist world leader was a really bad idea…..I guess none of them have heard of Hitler. I just got talked down to like I was intelligent enough to be at the grown-up table. So rather than continue to try, I gave up.

I’m ashamed to admit it but yes I gave up on humanity for almost the entire year, I gave up on the idea that there was more good in the world than bad and it was worth fighting for. And 2021 doesn’t seem like that message is going to get through to those people anytime soon.

So what do you do when you’re left with nothing? When you feel like you’re sinking farther and farther into this void with no signs of escape? In my case, I chose radio silence. I chose to retreat, disappear and/or remain invisible.

The whole reason for this blog, in the beginning, was to document my journey through discovery. To spread love and light and I failed. But worse than that I gave up trying.

I still write in my journal when I can manage it but not daily. I don’t try meditation, or moon rituals, hell I haven’t even pulled out my tarot cards since last summer. I just don’t have the desire to try anymore. And I think that shames me more than anything I’ve ever done in life up to this point and trust – I’ve done and seen some shit now. But nothing has ever made me more ashamed of what I’ve let myself become in these last months of 2020.

How can you give your soul power when you can’t even find your voice to speak out?

I held onto hope for 2021, thinking to myself, we’re gonna get through this and come out the other side stronger. But here we are, 7 days into the new year and I’m not even sure I have a single ounce of hope left for the human race, for humanity.

Now I know there is always room for hope and deep down I’m sure I have it there, but I just can’t find the courage or the strength to stand up and fight for what is right, what is good and what is just in this world.

I don’t know where that leaves me or this blog, not like anyone reads it but me anyway, but seriously people I have ZERO fucks left to give. So every day just feels like that movie LIVE. DIE. REPEAT. We’ve learned absolutely fuck all in the last 12 months.

I got so angry by the things I was hearing and seeing that even I, for a time, felt like I went a little radical. You can’t fight racism and ignorance with words and intelligence. So I tried to speak out, even screamed out a time or two and it got me nowhere. Even within my own family, there are those who to this very day don’t see the damage they have done and still are doing by supporting He Who Must Not Be Named.

So that’s why I went silent. And although I’ve vowed to myself to keep my beliefs and opinions to myself from now on and remain off of all social media when it’s not work-related, I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines. I’m tired of a lot of things globally and personally and I’m ready to, dare I say, start again.

People will always do, say, act, and be what they think and presume to be right. I’m not here to combat that or change it. The universe will balance itself out sooner or later, even if that means the human race won’t survive it. We’re literally killing ourselves faster than we’re killing the planet anyway so there at the end of all things, it’s not really going to matter what I think, say, or feel about and to others.

I have to live my life by my beliefs and what I think is right. Not to suffer fools who can’t see past the nose on their smarmy faces.

So that’s what I’m going to do, that is the only personal goal I have set for 2021 and I’ve not even told a single soul about it….until now. And won’t mention it other than this blog anyway. I have to start living again and I have to find the strength, the willpower and the passion to do it – not for others, but for me.